Friday 12 September 2008

Toon it down


I'm quite looking forward to seeing exactly what form the protest will take involving Newcastle United fans prior to their game against us at St James Park tomorrow.

My hunch is that, as ever, the Toon Army (eugh) will be all talk. First up, they won't boycott the game. The money will roll in as ever, including for the half time pies and ale and the programmes and so on. Secondly, any protest will take place outside the ground and will be suitably imbecilic (talk of a conga around the circumference of the stadium is the latest rumour doing the rounds) but once in the ground the 'We Love You Kevin' chants will desist when the game is underway, especially if Newcastle score a goal.

Delusionally, Newcastle United fans have always claimed that their club is everyone else's second favourite, presumably unless you support Sunderland. However, the opposite is true in many cases. Supporters from all over the country, be they of Liverpool or Luton, Arsenal or Accrington, see Newcastle as one of the great con tricks of English football, somehow operating under a smokescreen which claims that passion is a viable alternative to success. Success which, I shouldn't hasten to add, adds up to precisely no trophies of any type since 1969.

I also hate the breed of supporter who turns up at the ground whenever something big breaks, purely in the hope of being able to gurn on the television and sing rude songs. Those sort of fans believe they are part of the solution, but they are really part of the problem. As long as clubs continue to kowtow to halfwits, they will get nowhere. The proper, knowing Newcastle fan is the one who stays at home when the unpleasantness hits the fan.

As for passion, well, it is fine. I have it for my club. But passion works more than one way. As well as being loud, wearing the shirt with pride, cheering for your team and all that, it also involves having faith in those who run the club, be they the owner, manager or players. What Newcastle United fans did to Sam Allardyce was scandalous. He didn't fit their criteria of manager - ie, he didn't have them playing football which induced multiple orgasms in the crowd and had sycophantic journalists polishing the gaffer's shoes with their tongues. But Allardyce was the best bet since Keegan first time round to get a trophy for Newcastle - and he wouldn't have bottled it and buggered off the moment the going got tough. Bolton Wanderers fans miss Allardyce like hell - and Bolton Wanderers were better than Newcastle for almost all of the Premier League time Allardyce spent with them.

The fans think that their voice, collective and sturdy, is gospel. Listen to what the fans say? Mike Ashley did that, and sacked Allardyce for Keegan. Now look at the state he and the club are in. It's the fans' fault as much as his. They are now managerless and clueless, and far worse off than when Allardyce was being booed for playing cautious football which didn't concede goals. They won't criticise Keegan, even though he was the one who walked out. Now they want Alan Shearer to take over, a man who has never managed or coached and won precisely nothing in his long association with Newcastle. They really don't learn. They deserve to be relegated; they certainly deserve to lose tomorrow. Who are they playing again?

Yep, it's us. Newcastle United are just ripe for Hull City to pick off, even though pundits automatically think that a crisis-hit club with a big stadium is still a better bet for three points than a smaller club which is more settled than most. As will be the case all year, we're being underestimated considerably.

I'm looking forward to this one. Cousin is suspended from his last Rangers game, but we've got three extra defensive options thanks to Zayatte and McShane's arrivals and Gardner's recovery. Plus we have George Boateng back. See you on the Metro...